we're chasing vodka with high fives
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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