I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
