i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
