i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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