i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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