took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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