The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
