Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
