Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
