There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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