Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sext me about skeletons
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
