When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
