I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
