My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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