Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
