why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
