My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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