I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
