Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Buhtt sex?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
