He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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