Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
