I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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