I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
