why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
