dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
