You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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