you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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