Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
