I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
