Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
