your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
