I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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