Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
