we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
