i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
