I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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