chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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