So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
