the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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