Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
