Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
