i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
