I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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