While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
