"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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