You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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