Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
