She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I can text with my tongue
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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