Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
