I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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