Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
