Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
